The Fairs And Fouls Of The Friendly Confines

By: Eli Kaberon

When people ask me about my job, I like to tell them that I share an office with Carlos Zambrano and Lou Piniella. And while that’s technically not true, it sounds cool and has some aspects of accuracy to it. In reality, I’m a Wrigley Field seat vendor, which is a fancy title for a guy who walks around the park selling hot dogs. So while do I work at the same place as Big Z and Sweet Lou, that’s like saying the guy who cleans the bathrooms at City Hall is a colleague of Mayor Daley.

Spending the last few summers at Wrigley - I’ve been a vendor since July of 2003 - has given me quite an education. I have learned about the game of baseball, tips on how to be a good salesperson, insights into what it means to be a real Cub fan. But there is no subject that I have more knowledge of then the un-written rules of attending a Major League Baseball game. Having been to hundreds of games and observed millions of fans, I could teach a Harvard-level course on the dos and don’ts, rights and wrongs, or should we say fairs and fouls of heading out to the Friendly Confines. So now I’m going to finally put these once un-written rules into print.

Let’s start with one of my biggest pet peeves at Wrigley, which is what fans wear. Assume there is a game between the Cubs and San Francisco Giants. The acceptable attire would be either clothing with a Cubs or Giants logo, clothes that are either the Cubs or Giants colors (blue and red or black and orange), or neutral clothes that are worn by fans who have no team-related gear. All of those are fine. What is not fine is the group of four that are all rocking New York Mets hats or the crew covered in Cleveland Indians jerseys. I realize you want to show team spirit, and that is fine. But do it at your own park when your own team is on the field. At a game between the Cubs and Giants, there is no need to show your support for one of the 28 major league team’s that is not present. I’m not exactly sure why this bothers me so much, but it really does.

Another wardrobe malfunction that occurs - not the Janet Jackson kind - is with jerseys. Now I’m as much of a fan of jerseys as anybody. I’m a fan of throwback jerseys, personalized jerseys, even those t-shirt jerseys for those of us who are too cheap to put down $100 for the authentic. But what I am not a fan of is of fans who wear jerseys of guys who are no longer on the team. I’m not talking about Ernie Banks, Ron Santo and Ryne Sandberg uniforms; those guys will always be Cubs, and therefore their jerseys will always be welcome at Wrigley. I’m talking about the guy who thinks he’s cool despite the fact he is wearing a Cory Patterson #20 jersey or the woman that’s trying to convince her co-workers she knows a lot about baseball even though her Fred McGriff #29 implies she has no clue. I give fans a break that have a jersey of a guy who left a year or two ago, meaning this will be the last season that a Juan Pierre or Mark Prior will be acceptable. What I just don’t understand that if you are willing to shell out $60 per ticket, $25 to park the car, and $6.25 for every beer you drink, why is it so hard to upgrade your closet every season?

Just like there are proper ways to dress for an afternoon at 1060 W. Addison, there are also proper topics of discussion while on those hollowed grounds. Acceptable subjects to talk about include the game presently being played, past games or seasons, future games, the heckling of an opposing player, how nice the park looks, the weather, the heckling of an umpire, corny pick-up lines to a member of the opposite sex and of course, a nice conversation on how many hot dogs to buy from one of those wonderful vendors walking around. Yet too many times I walk past a group of fans who are talking about something completely different, like politics, what they are going to do after the game, or the most common one, a business deal. Similarly, the miss-understanding of how a person could pay so much money to attend a game only to wear a jersey from 1996, I also fail to rationalize how somebody could buy tickets for themselves and their colleagues on a beautiful 85 degree day and then instead of enjoying the game, they hunker down and talk business like they were back in the cubicle. Coming from somebody who does work at Wrigley Field, I must say there is no excuse for anybody with a ticket stub can do work at Wrigley Field.

Yet even when kicking back in your brand new Kosuke Fukudome #1 jersey discussing how effective Kerry Wood is in the bullpen this summer, you still won’t be following every Wrigley Field fan rule. There are still manners and etiquette, important qualities in any environment, but especially in one with over 40,000 people. Everybody knows the most famous custom in the park, which is throwing back opposing home run balls in the bleachers, but there’s an equally important law involving foul balls. First off, if you are over the age of 15, you shouldn’t be bringing a glove to the park. Catch it barehanded, knock the ball down with your beer or scorecard, whatever works best for you as long as you don’t pull a Bartman, but no glove. Second, if you do get a foul ball, you have the right to milk it for a while hoping the TV cameras catch you, but after the next pitch is throw, it’s time to sit down. And third, if you get a ball but see a kid under the age of ten in your section looking kind of sad that their small paws couldn’t make the play, you should defiantly give the souvenir to the youngster. Take a picture of you and your prized catch for memories/bragging sake, but the actual ball means a lot more to a kid than it does to an adult.

Other house rules of Wrigley include no ketchup on hot dogs (actually a city-wide rule, though us vendors are forced to carry around the packets for kids and out-of-towners), a required visit to the Harry Caray statue, no doing the wave under any circumstances, and of course you must sing along with the seventh-inning stretch, regardless of the score of the game is or the quality of the celebrity guest. (Bonus rule for stretch singers: You must yell “Let’s get some runs” if the Cubs are down heading into the bottom of the seventh.)

Now it may seem like I’m doing a lot of complaining, but there are things that Cubs fans do almost better than any other fan base in Major League Baseball. No crowd can get a “Let’s Go Cubbies” chant going faster than the Wrigley fans, and I doubt that any stadium gets louder. (Obviously other crowds don’t chant “Let’s Go Cubbies” but you know what I mean.) No crowd is more appreciative of a solid pitching performance, as I saw the Wrigley faithful give Sean Marshall a standing-O after pitching five-plus innings while giving up seven runs and three homers last season. Of course the ovation was for Piniella finally going to the bullpen, but 40,000 people cheering is still quite an achievement. And no crowd, probably in all of sports, has more loyalty to their club. Cubs fans show up when it’s freezing cold and when it’s boiling hot, if the team is in first place or last, if they’re playing the Cardinals or the Nationals. A 1:20 game on a Saturday afternoon will have the same capacity as a 7:05 Wednesday tilt, a reason why the Cubs had the best attendance percentage in the National League in 2007, with over 97 percent of seats filled for all 81 home games at Wrigley.

This season looks like it could be a magical year on the North Side of Chicago, with every key component of last season’s Central Division Champs returning, as well as the additions of Fukudome and Jon Liber, a full season of Geovany Soto and Kerry Wood and best of all, no more Will Ohman. And that leads me to my last piece of advice to enjoying a game at Wrigley Field. Win or lose, rain or shine, us vendors have to be there to serve you the fan. So this summer, when out enjoying the first consecutive playoff appearances since 1907-08, remember to tip your vendor.

Maybe it’s just the extra quarter from a $3.75 hot dog or a full dollar after buying a bag of peanuts. Some fans like to give one big tip after a sale while others give a small amount for each purchase they make. But whatever policy you follow, know that it is greatly appreciated. Vending may look simple - walk around, yell and serve - but it is actually pretty complicated. A good vendor has to be able to perform while carrying a heavy case of whatever they are selling, including going up and down hundreds of stairs, all while announcing their product aloud and looking for people raising their hands or voices in demand of the food/beverage. Add to that extreme weather conditions, keeping track of money, and following a baseball game, and being a vendor may rival Bobby Jenks’ personal chef as the toughest non-athlete job at a Chicago baseball stadium.

The next time you make your way out to Wrigley Field, I hope you will remember these lessons on the proper ways to dress and talk, correct protocol for catching a foul ball and of course, to bring some extra cash so you can leave a nice tip for a vendor. It will make for a more enjoyable experience, one that will make you want to keep coming back every day this summer, just like “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” says. You’ll return to Wrigley Field so much that it will seem like Carlos Zambrano and Lou Piniella are your co-workers and that we all are sharing one big office.

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    Eli Kaberon is a 2005 graduate of Evanston Township High School and currently is attending Columbia College in the loop, majoring in print journalism. A life-long fan of the Cubs, Bears and Bulls, Eli also works as a seat vendor at Wrigley Field and has sold hot dogs to everyone ranging from Bears tight end Greg Olsen to Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich. Eli can be reached at ekaberon@yahoo.com.

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