Love, Lunch Lost

By: Dustin Beutin

At one point last night, Charles Tillman bent over on the sideline and showed the Metrodome who was boss by expelling his dinner onto the astro-turf. Contrary to rumor, it was not a reflection of his opinion of the Bears’ offense - if that were the case, he wouldn’t have been able to stand up from all the vomiting. Regardless, even if it were his way of demonstrating his frustration with what he and the rest of America was watching, would it have been possible for the human body to contain the quantity of bile necessary to truly purge the rancid display of the Bears’ offense? Doubtful.Parents should warn their children not to watch the Bears’ offense in the coming weeks. It’s offensive, containing material unsuitable for impressionable viewers who may believe this is the way football is supposed to be played. Safe to say, the Bears 2007 version of “offense” will not be included on any NFL highlight films, save as the running gag on a bloopers reel.

On a day when the Bears’ defense showed glimpses of their former glory against a Viking team begging to be beaten like a masochistic half-wit, the defense obliged with a display that caused hearts to flutter with memories of 2006. Interceptions finally returned to the Bears’ repertoire, as did fumble recoveries and sacks, oh my! For the first time all year, it was clear that Bob Babich (or Lovie, or whoever is running this asylum) had created a game-plan that actually worked: take that young Viking quarterback and pummel him into making some mistakes. Brilliant!

Unfortunately for the defense, all of those takeaways deprived the Bears of putting their best offensive tactic into play: the Devin Hester punt return. It’s quite possible - probable, even - that the Bears would have been better off eschewing all four turnovers for punts, so that Devin could have a shot at breaking a big one. Giving the ball directly to the tepid, woeful, miserable, incomparably ineffective Bear offense was the football equivalent of bringing unopened holiday gifts to the exchange counter.

Who will take the fall for this debacle of debacles? Can’t blame the weather: the cushy dome environment in Minnesota is a welcome retreat for football teams in a city that might have the only dome one could consider justifiable (with the possible exception being somewhere in the arctic).

How about the desire to demand Kyle Orton’s head on a platter? Some will give in to that impulse, not knowing any better. There’s no stopping the pitchfork crowd when they begin to call for a quarterback’s life and limb. And in this case, there may be a deserved reason to cry foul with Kyle behind center. The inaccuracy is maddening; the lack of pocket presence frustrating to the nth degree.

Still, inaccuracy and a lack of ability to move within the pocket can be attributed to being relegated to third string for two years. Orton deserves one more game at home to determine if the problem is just rust. A repeat performance, and Kyle might be buying his own drinks during the off-season.

There is another likely possibility to explain Orton’s performance. And in the light of the quality of play provided by his fellow offensive teammates - the other ten, supposedly angry men - it is a possibility that no one wants to consider. Not the fans, and most certainly not anyone at Halas Hall.

Poor coaching.

I do not speak of Lovie; though his head-coaching hat is askew these days, and matches the confused look on his face. No, the man who is paid a handsome sum every year to train, prepare and advance the Bears’ offense is Ron Turner. If he is to be judged by the effectiveness of his offense, then his grade is somewhere far below an “F”. Something like “Z-minus.”

To watch the Bears’ offense sputter for minimal yardage - much less points - is sickening. To see talented players like Bernard Berrian, Devin Hester, Kyle Orton, Rex Grossman, Mark Bradley, Rashied Davis and Garrett Wolfe go so under-developed is more than disgusting: it’s a crime against modern football. To watch this once-proud franchise (’once’ being only one year ago) suffer with such offensive ineptitude that broadcasters on national television refer to the offense as “awful,” “incompetent,” and “pitiful,” is shameful for a city that once reveled in the offensive genius of “Papa Bear” Halas, a man who was as inventive in his offensive play design as his defense was destructive.

The city of Chicago is tired of seeing this sad spectacle. It is also tired of excuses. If Lovie is indeed a dynasty-quality coach capable of repeated Super Bowl attempts, then he needs to act - and act damn fast. The offense isn’t just bad: it’s broken. You can stand around all day and point out deficiencies in the quality of the offensive line, or in the attitude of the running backs, or in the ability of the quarterbacks. Sure, all of that is important to the equation of negative yardage and zero points. But, the great offensive coordinators and coaches find ways to achieve success with even the most minimal of pieces.

Consider Mike Shanahan in Denver - he may or may not be a genius, but he certainly finds ways to score points regardless of who he’s given as material to work with. Or Mike Holmgren in Seattle, who is as adaptive and successful as any coach in the modern NFL at play calling and design. Or Sean Payton in New Orleans, who has converted unwanted wide receivers into league-wide names.

The Bears need to look themselves in the mirror and ask the tough question: “Is mediocre acceptable?” The best Ron Turner has achieved with the offense in his second go-round with the Bears is “acceptable,” and that was for only a handful of games in early 2006. Sure, Coach Turner compares favorably to the much-maligned Terry Shea and his Jauron-era predecessor John Shoop (insert shiver here). Without a doubt, he is better than both of those coaches. But just because a rusted-out Volkswagen mini-bus is better than a bicycle with flat tires doesn’t mean you want to rattle around in that crumbling clunker while the rest of NFL rips past in the offensive equivalent of a Mercedes Benz.

If Lovie Smith sticks with Ron Turner this off-season, then either Lovie knows way, way more than anybody else about why the Bears couldn’t gain five yards on Buffalo Grove Middle School’s varsity team, or he is in denial about just how bad the Bears’ offense has become. Lovie is a defensive guru, and presumably the Bears will return to defensive form under his tutelage. The issue is whether Lovie has the knowledge and fortitude to recognize when his offensive coordinator isn’t getting the job done. Past history indicates he does, considering that Terry Shea was scuttled after one season of misery. Ron Turner is a more complex issue: he is a “capable” coach. But whether he is capable or not shouldn’t necessarily be the mark of success.

The idea is to be dominant. Ron Turner has not created an offense that can move downfield with consistency. Maybe it isn’t all his fault - Jerry Angelo deserves blame for the shortcomings in personnel, and perhaps Lovie ought to have demanded more from that side of the ball. But when something is this awful, stink-tastic and depressing, there is little to lose by changing the offensive coordinator and much to lose by sticking with Turner. Lovie faces a tough choice, but hopefully he will see the light and look for an improvement.

As for the rest of the city, it’s time to brace for what looks to be two more games where you’ll be looking for a good place to heave your lunch. Pass that bucket, Charles.

Though other sportswriters in Chicago might still be unpacking their carpetbags, Dustin Beutin is a born and bred Chi-town sportswriter. Heading into the heart of the Big Ten (Purdue) broadened his sports views, and it was during the Jauron era that he lost the innocence of blind love for Chicago sports and began looking for an outlet to vent his frustration. A trip out west to USC for a Master’s in writing was only tolerable with high doses of ESPN and Dodgers games, though it gave him a respect for the national perspective. Now in the early stages of a sports-writing career, Dustin hopes to give back to the city of Chicago everything it gave him: opinions and heartburn.

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