Devin “???” Hester

By: Dustin Beutin

What’s in a name?If you’re O.J. Simpson, you’re probably wishing that the people selling Streetwise on the corner of Washington and State in downtown Chicago didn’t know it.

(Have you heard the one about how many letters are in the alphabet… no? 26 would be wrong. It’s actually 22. ET went home and O.J.’s in jail. But I digress.)

Watching the Monday Night game this week, I couldn’t help but stare at Ron Jaworski for a long time and think, “I know they call him ‘Jaws’ to help with his impossible last name, but he kind of looks like he’s all jaw, too.” Then I realized that if they really called him “Jaws” for the shape of his mug, they’d probably call Tony Kornheiser “Rat-face.”

Who knows where these silly things get started? Nicknames, call-signs, the whole business. There are some classics out there and they’re all tepidly annoying. “Shorty,” “Lefty,” “Mad-dog.” It’s possible that there is a clearinghouse of bad nicknames that people can choose from when bored.

Legendary nicknames are a whole different story. Especially in Chicago, where having a good one can seal your fate in the pantheon of sporting history, or at least give you the opportunity to open a restaurant.

Great AKA’s aren’t just fun and games, though. They are iconic symbols, bringing back memories and impressions that can’t be conjured without them. A picture might say a thousand words, but a great nickname flashes a thousand images.

Say “Fridge” and instantly you see the ‘85 Bears, hotdog eating contests and a smile that could melt ice in February. “Mr. Cub” - professionalism, loyalty, quiet suffering through futility. “Shoeless” - heartbreak, scandal and the biggest mark on Chicago sports history.

“Iron Mike,” “Air Jordan,” “Sweetness.” Say these names and the people around you might start to glow as they view their own mental highlight reels.

Call them nicknames, call them silly. But whatever you want to call them, it’s time to achieve official consensus on what to call Devin Hester.

Ever since Devin carved up the Kansas City special teams like a cheetah through a pack of wildebeest last Sunday, local writers, national commentators and players have been trying to coin the phrase that will forever stick to the return man like a tattoo.

The truth is, the name already exists - waiting to be chosen. There’s a lot of riff-raff out there though, and most of it deserves immediate dismissal. Let’s look at the candidates.

The most popular reference to Hester seems to be some derivation of “Windy City.” “The Windy City Flier,” or something of that nature. These have to be stamped out right now - immediate disqualification for using a nickname as a nickname.

Chicago is the Windy City. To call Devin any form of “Windy City” is basically taking the crown off the Sears tower and placing it on number 23’s head. Hester is amazing, but not deserving (yet) of stealing Chicago’s own identity. Besides that, it earns a sub-disqualification on the basis that “Windy City” has nothing to do with speed or velocity, but rather was coined to make fun of our politics here in America’s most populous home to gas-bag politicians.

Then there’s the category of nicknames used to describe mental or emotional problems, such as “Crazy” or “Out of Control” to describe Hester’s abilities. This can’t possibly work as a nickname for Devin. These words should be applied to people who are slightly off-kilter - think Steve “Mongo” McMichael or “Crazy” Carlos Zambrano. These guys are bona-fide whack jobs. Hester couldn’t be further from this type of player. He doesn’t spend his Sundays destroying people with physical blows, and you can’t imagine him decking Rod Wilson after a silly holding penalty brings back a TD return.

A whole different series of adjectives have been used in awe trying to describe Hester’s play, and could easily turn into a nickname: amazing, incredible, unbelievable. But if any of these were to stick, it would be shocking - they’re all too banal, considering the breath-taking effect Hester has on teammates, opponents and fans when he makes the first tackler miss. They don’t really convey the feel, the imagery of what is happening when Hester takes off past his blockers.

Then there’s that silly connection football always seems to have with manufactured violence, calling Hester a “Weapon” - the “Ultimate Weapon,” or even “Weapon X.” They sound cool and, admittedly, “Weapon X” has a ring to it, but there’s a reason for that: it comes from the X-Men. Can’t steal someone else’s nickname, it just doesn’t smell right. And as far as the rest of the weaponry references go, they fit the effect of Hester on the field, but not the spirit of the moment. It never feels like Hester is attacking the end zone or the other team. Rather, it feels more like he is performing the world’s most complex ballet… at breakneck speed.

Really, the only fitting nickname was uttered - no, roared - by Bears commentator Jeff Joniak in 2006, as Devin returned his second punt of the evening for a touchdown against the St. Louis Rams.

“Devin Hester, you are RIDICULOUS!”

And there you have it - Devin Hester is “Mr. Ridiculous.”

Can there be a word, a phrase, a moment that better fits what the world sees when Devin Hester roars towards the end zone?

Call him “Mr. Ridiculous.”

Is “Mr. Ridiculous” a good nickname for Devin Hester?
  Yes, it fits.
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It’s the only word to describe the sight of Hester as he squirms, shoots and slides across the field. “Ridiculous” is the only way to describe how scared 31 professional teams are of kicking to him, and how stupidly out of their minds they are when they think they can get away with sending a ball Hester’s way. And the “Mr.?” It fits just right, too; softening the edges and implying the nature of a man who reads the bible before taking interviews and who is so affable with fans.

There’s another reason it sounds just right: it’s organic. Jeff Joniak has called a lot of games now for the Bears; seen a lot of football. His voice is now ubiquitous with the sound of the Bears and the NFL in Chicago. On that evening in St. Louis, what Joniak was witnessing couldn’t be described with the normal broadcasting vernacular. Instead, he was left breathless - like every one at home or in the stands - watching Hester wag his finger at the gassed Rams, when suddenly, it came out of his mouth: “Devin Hester, you are RIDICULOUS!”

It’s perfect. “Mr. Ridiculous.”

No other word describes the feeling of seeing Hester squeeze through impossible seams in the other team’s coverage. No other term could possibly explain how the entire game changes in an instant when he bursts down the field. Nothing else could possibly capture the sense that once he makes the first man miss, no one else has a chance of catching him.

When it comes down to it, things are ridiculous when one player causes you to catch your breath in anticipation every time you see him lined up on the field.

What’s in a name?

Everything.

Though other sportswriters in Chicago might still be unpacking their carpetbags, Dustin Beutin is a born and bred Chi-town sportswriter. Heading into the heart of the Big Ten (Purdue) broadened his sports views, and it was during the Jauron era that he lost the innocence of blind love for Chicago sports and began looking for an outlet to vent his frustration. A trip out west to USC for a Master’s in writing was only tolerable with high doses of ESPN and Dodgers games, though it gave him a respect for the national perspective. Now in the early stages of a sports-writing career, Dustin hopes to give back to the city of Chicago everything it gave him: opinions and heartburn.

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