Nothing Sexy About Rexy

By: Dustin Beutin

The problem with putting lipstick on a pig is that you’ve got to pick the right color.Midnight Red? Elegant Rose? Violet? Gloss? The possibilities are endless and the decision crucial. After all, you’re trying to make 500 pounds of bristle-haired, truffle-eating, mud-bathing nastiness disappear.

Then there’s the whole matter of getting the pig to sit still long enough to apply the cosmetics cleanly. No easy job, even for a professional cosmetologist.

The Bears want us to forget how ugly Grossman looks in the bright light of two regular season games.

They have plenty of lipstick to do it with after Sunday’s win over the Chiefs. Devin Hester plays like he hails from another planet. The defense looks dominant despite the losses suffered last week. Benson seems like he has potential to at least be an NFL starter. Briggs looked like Dick Butkus reincarnate.

As a friend of mine is fond of saying, “Blah, blah, blah, blah - none of that (expletive) matters”

NFL teams don’t play long into January when they lack a quarterback capable of protecting a late lead with a scoring drive. And that’s to say nothing of organizing a come-from behind touchdown late in a game, something we haven’t seen much of from Grossman.

Don’t let the magician-like tendency of Sunday fool you as the Bears wave one hand filled with spectacular, Super Bowl-caliber plays while the other hand tries to shove Rex’s second-half garbage out of sight. All that needs to be said is that Grossman couldn’t lead the offense to a touchdown when given first and goal by the defense and a penalty against a team wondering if it will draft first or second next April.

Which of the Bears’ three quarterbacks would you like to see starting?
  Rex Grossman
  Brian Griese
  Kyle Orton
 
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If Lovie Smith hasn’t already called the station to find out what time the Rex Grossman farewell train leaves for Bloomington, someone better lend him fifty cents and a handkerchief.

It’s hard to blame Lovie for not wanting to pull the trigger on benching Grossman. When Grossman looks at you with those big doe eyes, you can’t help but want to give him an ice-cream cone and send him out into the backyard to try again. On top of that, Grossman is tough, no doubt. Imagine being booed every time you misfiled a document at work, and having to explain to why you didn’t pick up your office line on the first ring to an angry horde at 5:00 every evening.

Grossman’s job description, however, is not to be a good interviewee or an unaffected victim of harsh criticism.

Rex Grossman’s job is to move his football team down the field.

By the end of the third quarter Sunday, it was all too apparent that Rex could not put a touchdown on the board unless handed the ball on the goal line. Even then, doubts persisted. Benson stepped up to the plate and kept the clock running despite the inability of Rex to command a scoring drive. Thank God for that. If Benson had somehow rolled over under the pressure, giving the Chiefs an abundance of game time, the Bears probably wouldn’t have walked out with a win on Sunday.

Which brings this issue right back into Lovie’s extended-contract lap. If it is apparent to everyone in the stadium, including the pigeons, that Rex is not capable of leading the offense into the end zone when needed, then what is Lovie waiting to see?

It could be that Lovie honestly believes the other two quarterbacks on the bench are worse than Grossman. Perhaps that’s the reason we have to watch this sad spectacle every Sunday. It’s hard to believe, though.

Griese has shown enough in his previous opportunities and in the preseason to justify people calling for him in the third quarter when it was clear Rex was stuck in neutral. Orton showed enough savvy as a rookie to warrant wonder as to what he might be like as a third year vet. Having seen what Grossman offers, and knowing there are two other quarterbacks on the team who very well could be starters somewhere else, it seems like it would take a professional psychologist to understand why Lovie isn’t ready to put Grossman on clipboard patrol.

Loyalty is a good thing, a healthy thing, especially when raising a young quarterback. But if Lovie wanted to give Grossman a shiny team to play with as he learned, the time has come to an end. That was last year. This year, the Bears are clearly on the verge of something special - if they can only be blessed with a man behind center who will help them win games, instead of a half-quarterback that can blow opponents out early, but can’t save the team late.

By waiting, Lovie is doing much worse than risking a win every week. He is risking losing the confidence of his team.

The receivers are frustrated. The sight of them running down the field with arms waving for a pass became so common that fans started to wonder if the receivers were trying to catch the No. 146 bus back to Halas Hall. The offensive line is exhausted. They are being fed a steady diet of Rex-directed blitzes so voluminous that it’s a wonder they haven’t demanded compensation for hazardous duty.

Worse, the defense must now be frustrated. With the way things were going Sunday, it wouldn’t be at all surprising if Brian Urlacher was sending foul text messages to Rex Grossman on the sideline between plays. (Perhaps the Patriots have a tape somewhere to prove me right)

Usually, the motto in the NFL is “a win is a win.” No. This one is too ugly. There is no way of dressing up a victory that showed just how short Grossman is of being the competent quarterback a team needs to go all the way. If he couldn’t lead the Bears downfield for a game-sealing touchdown against the Chiefs (insert flushing sound here), then how in the name of Staley’s Corn Starch is he going to bring the Bears back from behind in a critical game?

Devin Hester can run back a punt every game. The defense can make turnovers an art form. Cedric Benson can plow through safeties in the open field.

It’s all just cosmetic fluff for the record books, though, if the Bears don’t put someone behind center capable of achieving some of the minimum requirements for the quarterback position. You know, like completing passes to open receivers and moving a team downfield against inferior competition.

There isn’t enough lipstick in the whole world to hide this pig.

Though other sportswriters in Chicago might still be unpacking their carpetbags, Dustin Beutin is a born and bred Chi-town sportswriter. Heading into the heart of the Big Ten (Purdue) broadened his sports views, and it was during the Jauron era that he lost the innocence of blind love for Chicago sports and began looking for an outlet to vent his frustration. A trip out west to USC for a Master’s in writing was only tolerable with high doses of ESPN and Dodgers games, though it gave him a respect for the national perspective. Now in the early stages of a sports-writing career, Dustin hopes to give back to the city of Chicago everything it gave him: opinions and heartburn.

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