Most Wonderful Time of the Year

By: Rick Paulas

There’s no better time of year than right now. You can have Christmas and Halloween. Heck, even take June 19th’s World Sauntering Day, one of the more underrated holidays in my opinion.

I’ll take the rumor-mongering and message board-refreshing of baseball’s trading deadline any day. Especially as a White Sox fan.

With my telekinetic mind power, I can already hear your protests. “Is it really better than getting presents? Or seeing this year’s version of a Sexy Nurse costume? Or spending all day strolling at an extremely leisurely pace?” Yes my friends, it is.

Allow me to explain.

The most important attribute of any successful holiday is the Excitement Buildup — from here on out referred to in Baseball Prospectian abbreviation as EB — that starts the week before the actual holiday begins. Christmas has chocolate-filled calendars.

(Although I suspect someone is sneaking morphine into those little chocolates; how else do you explain the relatively low level of homicides despite everyone having to wade through oceans of sweaty, fat humanity to get those last-minute gifts?)

Halloween has the wonderful AMC horror movie marathons. World Sauntering Day gets its EB rating from a week’s worth of stretching. But those are nothing compared to the EB before the trading deadline generated when you have Kenny Williams at the helm.

Take earlier this week for instance, when ESPN was reporting that the White Sox were “extremely close” to trading for the premiere player on the market Alfonso Soriano. As soon as the “news” broke, White Sox message boards were buzzing. Who were the Sox going to give up? Where would Soriano play? Is Williams just doing this to drive up the price for the Tigers, also inquiring about Alf’s services?

Rumors and speculation seized the day. I personally wore out three mouse buttons from constant refreshing, hoping each time that the next click would bring news of the trade’s confirmation. Or, at the very least, some gossip leading me to believe that the trade was imminent.

“What was that? A friend of a friend of yours who works for a clothing agency just called me and said the White Sox ordered a thousand jerseys with the name Soriano stitched on back? It’s practically a done deal then!”

Whether or not the White Sox really need a power bat instead of some bullpen help — or, with the recent struggles of the starting pitching, some rotation help — wasn’t the point. Nor were the questions concerning where Soriano would fit in the lineup, or which prospects would be included in the trade. The EB came from the possibility that a trade might happen, that perhaps tomorrow there would be a new piece of the puzzle to cheer on.

Whenever a scroll goes across ESPN’s bottom line, saying that two parties are “extremely close” to any potential deal, that should send up warning signals immediately. If the trade is so close to happening, why is the story reported now? If it’s as close as reported, why not wait an extra hour or so to report the trade being confirmed?

 And that’s the magic of having Kenny Williams as your team’s GM. The trading deadline is never boring.Not one to back down from a blockbuster trade, you never know what he’s going to do. You might feel wary of the scenarios making the rounds — those rumors of sending Brian Anderson, Brandon McCarthy and a top-level prospect to Washington for Soriano had my stomach churning — but you still feel the rush of the possibility.It’s the same kind of excitement you get from watching a police chase or following the actions of a legally insane character on your favorite reality show. It’s nothing more than a spectacle, worthless in the whole scheme of things. But as a form of pure entertainment, it’s perfect.

That’s not to say that the trades Williams makes are pointless (save the Todd Ritchie debacle), but the rumors surrounding them are. Whenever a scroll goes across ESPN’s bottom line, saying that two parties are “extremely close” to any potential deal, that should send up warning signals immediately. If the trade is so close to happening, why is the story reported now? If it’s as close as reported, why not wait an extra hour or so to report the trade being confirmed? I guess that 2-of-3 trade reports that mention the word “close” never actually happen. And that rate skyrockets up to 30-of-31 whenever Williams name is include.

Remember last year’s rumors of getting Aubrey Huff? Or the yearly Griffey to the White Sox rumor? Or even the oddity making its way around simultaneously with this year’s Soriano rumors, than Carlos Lee was on his way back to the South Side? Because of his willingness to deal, Williams has been mentioned in almost every possible trade scenario for the past three years.

And as a fan, that’s really all you can ask for. Something to talk about during the trading deadline. Bumping up that EB rating to the max.

This year it’s looking more and more likely that the Sox won’t make a big trade, and there’s really nothing to complain about. That’s fine. If Ozzie and Williams think the team is stable as it is, then they deserve the benefit of the doubt. What, with those large rings they have and all.

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Rick Paulas is a writer living in Los Angeles, and perhaps the galaxy's premier fantasy baseball adviser. A collection of his McSweeney's Fantasy Advice can be found here. He edits The Coming and Duct Tape & Rouge.

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