First is the Worst

By: Chicago Sports Review

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Somehow, someway, propaganda has spread through elementary school playgrounds brainwashing young children with the maxim “first is the worst.” In all my years since grade five, I have yet to find where this axiom fully applies, but with the recent amplification of steroid testing in baseball, I think I’ve found an instance.

The baseball off-season has been filled with steroid conversation, speculation, and litigation, all climaxing to the starting point of testing.

So…who’s going to be worst?

Who will be the first Major League Baseball player to test positive? You know that’s what we are all waiting for.

Some baseball athletes will be deterred by the new laws, others will merely use a state-of-the-art masking drug to cover the performance enhancer. What else is new?

But someone will slip up…

Will it be a superstar? Unlikely. The first juvenile will probably be some scrub who needed the illegal help just to make a roster. Look for Jose Canseco and Victor Conte to be on 60 Minutes that night, together, claiming that they both injected so-and-so simultaneously, on several occasions.

If it’s a no-name player, he’ll likely become the poster boy of this new stringent regime, and his career could very well be ruined.

What if it is a superstar? No worries, you have three solid solutions if you get caught:

1. Call Kobe Bryant.
2. Hold a press conference to apologize to the fans, but do not state a reason.
3. Deny the accusations and come up with a solid excuse.

The third scenario is the most effective. As long as you never acknowledge the evidence, it will always remain an allegation.

How soon before we hear:

“I only use steroids for batting practice. It’s something that I take the blame for. It’s a mistake, I know that. I feel sorry. I just apologize to everybody that are embarrassed.”

Or

“The doctor prescribed this for my back; I wasn’t aware of all the ingredients.”

But in all honesty, what are we to expect?

“I would like to apolo - actually no. I’m not sorry. You’re right, I used steroids and I’m proud of it! I cheated the system. I made millions of dollars pretending to be someone I’m not, I sullied your records books, and what you gon do ’bout it?”

The current athletes will not admit to anything, they will not pay back money that they have not rightfully earned, but at least baseball is working towards a better future. Sort of.

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